I am going to try and make this as short and condensed as I can since I will probably hit on most of these topics in more detail in later posts, but I have never been good at keeping things brief.
I grew up and spent most of my life in Indianapolis, IN, but most of my extended family is from a small town in northern Indiana. I am the youngest of two; I have one brother who is 8.5 years older. I would consider my family working middle class, but money was always tight growing up. I was raised Catholic and my parents both worked second jobs in order to send my brother and I to Catholic school. I never had expensive clothes or the hottest toys, but I never remember caring that much either. I always had the important things, and I was able to participate in every sport or extracurricular activity that I wanted. I feel super old saying this, but times were much simpler when I was a kid. The Internet was just starting to be a thing, and I didn’t get my own cell phone until I was a senior in high school. Facebook was just starting when I was going into my freshman year in college. It was only accessible by people who had an active college email address, and the only other social media outlet was Myspace.
When I think back on my childhood memories, they are usually positive. I appreciated all the hard work my parents put in to provide a nice life for me and my brother. My mom worked for the Catholic Church that was next to my school. We rode to and from school each day while listening and singing to oldies music on the radio. Once we got home, my mom would cook dinner for the family, and I would often sit at the kitchen table working on my homework. My mom never complained when I read my assignments aloud because she knew that would help me retain the information better. My dad worked full time in sales and would often referee basketball, volleyball, or umpire baseball in the evenings, but he always made time for me, especially when it came to sports. He was my basketball coach from 2nd-8th grade and I do not remember either of my parents missing a single game. I had good friends and kept busy. I played kickball, basketball, volleyball, and ran track. During the summer I would go to YMCA day camp as both of my parents worked full time year-round. This meant I had limited time with my parents and brother even during the summer, but that camp holds some of my favorite memories and best friends who taught me a lot, including how to play Euchre, which I am still grateful for.
Most of the negative memories I can remember come from when I was in Junior High. I would often move from group to group but never felt like I truly fit in anywhere. I didn’t really know what make-up was at that age and had no idea how to do anything to my hair other than pull it up into a ponytail. I wore a uniform to school which was great because little thought went into what I was going to wear day to day, but then I had no idea what to wear on the weekends, nor did we have money for nice clothes. I loved playing sports, basketball especially, but lacked the self-confidence needed to be great. I played the Saxophone and joined the choir but was awful at both. I was a good student but had to try super hard to keep my grades up, got distracted easily, and put tons of pressure on myself to be perfect, which was very draining.
When I entered High School, I finally found my people. I didn’t make the cut, but I met my best friend while trying out for the volleyball team. I told myself that I was going to end up being a bench warmer or not even make the Freshman Basketball team, when really it probably had more to do with a lack of confidence and low self- esteem, but either way, I decided not to try out. I knew I wanted to stay involved with sports in some way, though, so I became a student athletic trainer for the football and baseball teams. Between this, school, homework, and various other extracurricular activities here and there, I stayed remarkably busy year-round. I was still pretty awkward and had no idea how to do my make up or hair, but at least I finally felt like I found a group of friends where I belonged.
Then it was time to head off to college. I was one of very few people in my family to go to college and would be the first person to graduate with a bachelor’s degree, so needless to say, I felt a lot of pressure. I always knew I wanted to either be a teacher or a nurse, probably due to my empathetic, people pleasing personality, and ultimately went with nursing. I chose Purdue University because I was accepted directly into the nursing program as a first-year student, therefore eliminating unneeded stress of having to apply for nursing school at the end of my freshman year. I already had enough anxiety knowing that this was the first time I was going to be away from my family for more than a week and the first time I would be going to a public school. Purdue boasted, at the time, over 39,000 students (about twice the seating capacity of Madison Square Garden) which was a substantial difference from the 800 students in my entire high school. Thankfully, I ended up in one of the nicer dorms on campus and on a floor with multiple nursing students. I quickly made friends I still have today and learned so much about myself and how to be independent. I really had the quintessential “college experience.” I had fun but also managed to graduate with honors and obtain my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing.
After college I moved back home and quickly realized I needed to move out of my parents’ house as soon as possible if I had any hope of keeping a good relationship with them. I saw myself as an independent adult, and it was clear that if I stayed under my parents’ roof, my every move would be followed. Once I got my first “big girl” job I found an apartment with one of my friends, moved out, and never returned. I spent most of the next 4 years working, paying off student loans, and partying with friends. I had boyfriends here and there but nothing really serious. Once all my friends were in serious relationships or married, I decided to try online dating. The second guy I went out with would later become my husband.
I fell in love hard and fast and wanted to spend all my time with him. After a year of dating, he asked me to come with him to Tennessee for his job and we moved in together. Two years later we moved again for his job, and 3 years into our relationship, he asked me to marry him. We got married 1.5 years later, and a year after that, we moved one last time, you guessed it, for his job. Not even a month later, we found out we were pregnant. Our oldest son was born in January of 2020. Right as I was getting ready to return from maternity leave is when COVID 19 hit the U.S. Once we had our son, we knew we did not want him to be an only child, but we ended up expanding our family much faster than planned. We found out our second son was on the way when our oldest was about 9 months old. We were excited to become a family of 4 but having two boys 19 months apart amid COVID was exhausting to say the least, and it added a ton of stress on our relationship and affected our mental health. More on this later.
Two years ago, my life seemed to all come crashing down. My marriage was falling apart, and I felt like a failure in all aspects of my life, especially as a mother and a wife. I felt like I was doing something wrong because surely motherhood should not be this hard, right? I knew it was going to be difficult, but I did not properly prepare myself for how hard it was going to feel nor how my body and mind would react to such a drastic change. I know now that I was dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety which kicked my body into survival mode. All I could focus on was making it through one minute of the day. I somehow made it to work every day and continued to be productive, mostly because I was afraid of losing my job, and it was much less overstimulating than being around two active and loud little boys in a messy house all day. But my home life suffered. Laundry, dishes, and cleaning continued to pile up, and I started to despise sitting on the floor to play with my own children. Most nights all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and zone out. I became oblivious to my husband’s feelings and needs, but I also was oblivious to my own. I had frequent panic attacks, worried about everything, and was easily irritated.
As hard as my divorce was, I can now look back and be grateful because I am certain it saved my life. It was my rock bottom that finally made me realize that I needed help. I will speak more about my therapy and medication journey in upcoming posts.
Grieving the loss of my divorce has been a much longer and harder process than I anticipated with many ups and downs, but I am proud of myself for putting in the work and letting myself fully feel all the emotions. I am still healing, and I certainly have my share of good and bad days, but I have been astounded by the strength I have shown throughout this restorative journey. I changed jobs, moved out of the house I had called home for the past 3 years, started splitting time with my boys between me and their dad, and finalized my divorce all within the same month. This was extremely overwhelming, but it also led to me finding a job I love, meeting amazing neighbors and coworkers who have become great friends, and sending me on a journey of rediscovery to figure out what makes me genuinely happy. It has also resulted in me being a better and more present mom.
I warned you this probably wouldn’t end up being brief, but it is hard to condense 38 years of life into one blog post! If you can relate to or are interested in any part of my story, please follow along for more.