*Disclaimer: There are always 2 sides to every story. This is my story and how I was feeling at a specific moment in time. This is not meant to talk ill about anyone, just explain my journey in hopes that it may resonate with others who are struggling right now.  

This is going to be a very vulnerable post, but I am hoping by sharing my experience, it may help others, either realize that they need help working through their childhood trauma, or that they may be in an unhealthy relationship that is no longer serving them. 

I met my ex-husband when I was 26 on e-harmony. I fell in love hard and fast and wanted to spend all my time with him. After a year of dating, we moved around for his job. This made us depend on each other a lot until we met new friends. We dated for 3 years before getting engaged, married a year and a half later, and a year after that, we found out that we were pregnant.  

Looking back on our relationship, I have many fond, happy memories. We shared laughter, travel, adventures, and a deep connection that felt unbreakable. Our life before children was full of excitement, discovery, and love, and everything felt balanced and effortless. Life felt simple and easy, and we enjoyed the little moments of just being in each other’s company. We were always finding new things to enjoy together and to me there was no indication that we wouldn’t be together forever. There was a deep sense of camaraderie and fun. We had the kind of relationship where we both could be our true selves, no masks, no pretenses—just us. 

The only challenge we faced was deciding whether or not to have children. No tiny matter, I know. Early on, my ex-husband was very clear that he didn’t want kids. It was a difficult obstacle for me to accept, but because I loved him deeply and our relationship was strong in every other way, I convinced myself that I could be okay with not becoming a mom. I truly believe I could have been content with not experiencing motherhood if I had been able to block out the opinions of friends and family. At the start of our relationship, I managed to stay focused on what felt right for us. However, once we got married, it became increasingly difficult to ignore the external pressure, and I began to question whether I was truly okay with not having children.  

We had many conversations on this topic, and it was not something either of us took lightly. We ultimately decided, I would stop taking birth control and we would see what happened. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome meaning there was a high possibility that I could struggle to get pregnant. Reflecting back, I think this decision is what started the unraveling of our marriage. 

It took us an entire year to get pregnant with our oldest son. Mostly because my brain became a jumble of overwhelming thoughts. I would go back and forth on whether I really wanted children, I would question whether my ex-husband would truthfully be happy if I became pregnant or if he would come to resent me, and I had anxious thoughts of whether I would be a good mom.  

In May 2020, during a family vacation, we started noticing signs that could mean I was pregnant. When we got home, I decided to take a pregnancy test, and to my utter shock, it came back positive. I couldn’t wait so I ran out of the bathroom crying because I was so afraid he wasn’t going to be happy. His reaction was the exact opposite, though. He grabbed me and hugged me tight and was so excited. I still couldn’t help thinking he was going to change his mind after the shock and excitement wore off.  

Our oldest son was born in January 2020. Right as I was getting ready to return from maternity leave is when COVID 19 hit the U.S and everything shut down. That meant we no longer could send our son to daycare, and I had no idea what that would mean for my job. Thankfully we were both able to work from home until daycare reopened, but it added a lot of stress having to juggle watching an infant while working. It also put a lot of stress on our relationship because it was just us with no help, no breaks, and nowhere to go. 

While I had always known that having kids would alter the dynamics of our relationship, I don’t think I truly understood the depth of the change. Suddenly, it wasn’t just about us anymore and the balance we once had slowly started to shift. The time we spent together as a couple became more limited, and our focus turned toward our son’s needs, routines, and the chaos that comes with raising little ones.  

I was not properly prepared for motherhood, especially the utter exhaustion and how irritable I would become, and I often took my frustrations out on my ex-husband. To say it was challenging was an understatement but finally after 6 months, we seemed to hit our stride. It was at this point that we started talking about having another child as we knew we didn’t want our son to be an only child.  Since it took so long for us to get pregnant the first time around, we figured it would take just as long, but of course, it only took 3 months. We were excited to become a family of 4 but having two boys 19 months apart amid COVID was exhausting, to say the least, and it added even more stress to our relationship and affected our mental health.  

Over time, the differences in our priorities and approaches to parenting began to create subtle cracks in the foundation of our relationship. What once felt like a happy, healthy partnership started to feel more like a balancing act, with both of us juggling our roles as parents and partners. We found ourselves struggling to reconnect in the same way we had before. The things we enjoyed together—the dinners out, the late-night TV binges—felt like distant memories, replaced by long to-do lists and the exhaustion that came with raising children. We were no longer two people sharing a life; we were two people who were often too tired to share anything at all.   

Raising children together is a beautiful, challenging, and often overwhelming experience, but it requires constant communication, compromise, and adaptability, all things we struggled with.  Over time, the pressure of trying to maintain the same relationship while navigating a completely new chapter in our lives got to be exhausting. If I am being totally honest, I was not good at communicating my needs nor asking for help and that really started to weigh me down.  

I was dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders (generalized anxiety, postpartum depression/anxiety, and ADHD) which put me into survival mode. I became a shell of myself with the only priority being to make it through each day. I had no energy for anything else and even playing with my children became a chore. My ex-husband was trying to deal with his own mental health issues, overtime felt neglected and later told me he felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife. He did not share this information with me until he was at his breaking point, though. Whereas I knew things weren’t great but chalked it up to us being in the thick of it with an infant and a toddler, and I held on to the hope that we would get through this stage and things would get better.  

For my ex-husband it was more of a gradual drift apart that one day led him to the realization that he no longer wanted to stay in this relationship. But for me, the news that he wanted a divorce came as an enormous shock. I desperately wanted to work through our problems and figure out a way to stay together. I was definitely in denial for a long time and thought he would change his mind if he could just see how hard I was trying to make things better, but for him it was too late. In my opinion I was given a bit of false hope at times, but eventually I did come to terms with the fact that my marriage was ending, and divorce was inevitable. The hardest part for me was accepting that our family was no longer going to be whole, and I would not see my boys every day. That is something that I think I will always struggle with, but over time it is getting easier to focus on the present moment and cherish the time I do have with them.  

While I was deep in my grief it was hard to see any positives, but now looking back, I can see that our divorce was the rock-bottom I needed to hit to finally get the help I desperately needed. Reflecting on it all, I’ve come to accept that love isn’t always permanent, and relationships evolve in ways we often don’t expect. But there’s value in every chapter, and for me, the early days of our relationship will always hold a special place in my heart.  

I want to end this post by saying I do not regret having children, and I am forever grateful for my boys. I have truly never experienced a love as great as theirs and they bring so much joy into my life. They are also what led to me getting officially diagnosed and realizing how I can work with instead of against my different thinking brain. I wanted to include this post and all my remarks about motherhood because it isn’t always this story of, I have always wanted to be a mom, and it came easy to me. I want to express my struggles so those who have also had a difficult launch into motherhood will feel seen, heard, and understood and maybe feel less alone.  

What has been the most challenging part about motherhood/becoming a parent for you? What has been the most rewarding part?