*Disclaimer: There are always 2 sides to every story. This is my story and how I was feeling at a specific moment in time. This is not meant to talk ill about anyone, just explain my journey in hopes that it may resonate with others who are struggling right now. 

Now that you know a little background on my divorce, I thought I would dive into the world of co-parenting. Our road to a balanced co-parenting relationship has been rocky, filled with misunderstandings, miscommunications, and heartache, but over the last two years, I’ve learned a lot about myself, the importance of boundaries, and how to find peace in an otherwise chaotic situation. Our journey together—though far from perfect—has brought me lessons that I hope can help others who are navigating a similar path. 

The Early Days: A Struggle for Control and Understanding 

The beginning of my journey was quite the whirlwind. Once I knew divorce was inevitable, I also knew I would need a new job with different hours, and I made the decision to move out of the house we made a home because I did not want the added responsibilities, such as lawncare, landscaping, snow removal, and repairs. This resulted in me getting a new job, moving out, and finalizing our divorce in just three weeks! To say it was stressful and overwhelming is a huge understatement. The first couple of months were spent orienting to a new job, unpacking, and making my new place feel like a home. Needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of reflecting on my divorce as I was just trying to get settled into all the changes happening around me. It wasn’t until 4- 5 months after I moved out that I really started dealing with the denial and facing the fact that my marriage was in fact over. I continued to see my therapist weekly and then every two weeks and it was evident that I was having a really hard time moving on. This was a man who I had spent the last 10 years of my life and had 2 children with. It wasn’t easy to come to the realization that we were no longer going to be together.  

Personally, I was still adjusting to my new normal and living on my own again, while trying to figure out how to put myself and my needs first without feeling immense guilt. I was taught from a young age that everyone else’s needs and feelings were more important than my own. When we got divorced and I was alone again, I had more time to reflect on my needs but found that I had no idea what I needed nor what would truly make me happy. I knew I needed to fix my relationship with myself first, so that’s what became my priority.   

As I continued working on myself, the better our co-parenting relationship became. There was a long adjustment period, but we soon learned how to navigate this new dynamic, focusing on our children’s well-being while maintaining mutual respect for each other. My ex and I were communicating well, and our relationship was in a good place. This was almost harder for me because I was still in denial of why our relationship had to end. I thought maybe after a few months of separation, he would see that this was all a mistake.  

About 6 months after our divorce was final, I thought my wishes were finally realized when he asked if I would be willing to go through couples therapy. He made it clear that it may only result in us having a better co-parenting relationship, but he also gave me hope that this could be a way to repair our broken relationship again and I believed him. By the time we were able to schedule therapy, unbeknownst to me, he started dating, and after just one session he told me he was talking to another woman and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. I felt blindsided and stupid for believing that our relationship could be saved. To make things worse he was already asking about her meeting our boys. The kids were my priority, and the thought of them spending time with someone I barely knew was overwhelming. It wasn’t just about the new woman—though that was definitely hard to accept—it was about feeling like my role as a mother and co-parent was being sidelined. I had no idea who my kids were around, what they were doing, or how this new dynamic would affect them.  

Therapy: A Lifeline in the Chaos 

During that time, I had to work through a lot of emotions. I participated in one more couple’s therapy session to help me deal with my anger, hurt, and confusion, but it was evident that it was only making me angrier, so I went back to seeing my therapist one-on-one. She helped me learn how to set boundaries, how to prioritize the well-being of my children, and how to manage the overwhelming feelings of not being in control. Therapy gave me a safe space to process everything and understand that I could still maintain a strong role in my children’s lives, even if things weren’t perfect with their dad. Therapy also helped me process my grief and realize that these ups and downs are normal, and my healing will never be a linear process.  

Eventually, my ex and that woman broke up, and the fog started to lift. For a while, things improved.  We started communicating more openly again, and we found a rhythm in our co-parenting that allowed us to work together for the sake of our children. It felt like we were on the same team again. 

The Return of Old Patterns 

But as life often goes, things didn’t stay perfect for long. After some time, my ex entered into another relationship. At first, it seemed like this one was going to be different. There were fewer red flags, and the start of this new relationship didn’t seem to affect our co-parenting dynamic in the same way as the first one. But, over time, the old patterns resurfaced—poor communication, lack of transparency, and the feeling of being pushed aside. 

Once again, I found myself struggling to deal with the fact that I wasn’t a priority in his life anymore. It was a devastating realization. I had to confront the truth that our relationship was never going to return to what it was. I wasn’t in the center of his world anymore—and that was hard to accept. I also had to come to terms with the fact that my children would encounter new people and environments without me being aware of it, and I had to release my need to control every situation. My boys are my everything and their safety will always be my number one priority, but for my mental health, I had to learn what I needed to release and let go, so this didn’t become an ongoing issue.  

A New Way Forward 

Both time periods were extremely difficult, but the positive was these painful experiences helped me grow and I learned that my role as a co-parent wasn’t about controlling everything or demanding that he fit into my expectations of what a post-divorce relationship should look like. It was about respect, clear communication, and understanding that both of us were on separate paths, with one common goal: ensuring that our kids felt loved, supported, and secure. 

Through countless therapy sessions and personal reflection, I’ve learned to create emotional distance when necessary and to find my peace, regardless of the ups and downs in my relationship with my ex. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it. I now know that my happiness doesn’t depend on my ex’s actions or relationships—it comes from within, and from the relationship I maintain with myself and my children. Self-care has been an important part of my journey. I have become more aware of my triggers, when I need to rest, and I have improved at controlling my emotions and reactions—the only thing I truly have control over.   

The Reality of Co-Parenting: It’s Not Always Pretty, but It’s Possible 

Co-parenting doesn’t always look like the idyllic picture of harmony. There will be bumps in the road, and things may not always go as planned. However, it’s important to realize that communication, boundaries, and mutual respect are key components in making it work, especially when emotions are running high. 

If you’re in a similar situation, know that it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or confused. It’s okay to feel like you’re not always in control. And it’s okay to lean on therapy or support systems to help you process the emotions that come with navigating life after divorce. It took me way too long to loop my best friends in on my situation because I was embarrassed that my marriage was failing, but once I did, the support I have gotten has been so amazing.  

At the end of the day, what matters most is that you continue to show up for your children. Despite the challenges, I’ve learned that our kids benefit from seeing us as co-parents who respect each other’s lives and boundaries—even if those boundaries shift over time. It’s a work in progress, but we’re making it work. 

It’s not the ideal outcome I once envisioned, but it’s a new kind of relationship—one grounded in shared responsibility and understanding, even if it looks different than what we once had. 

What has been the most challenging part of your journey, whether you are co-parenting or not?  

What is something you had to let go of in order to heal and move on?