Recently it has been increasingly difficult to stay calm with my children. They know exactly what to do to set me off and because of my ADHD I get easily overstimulated and can lose my cool quick. I was discussing this with my therapist when she said something that immediately changed my mindset. She said, “People with ADHD are co-regulators. They feed off other’s emotions. If you get upset, then they get more upset, and it keeps building until you both explode. But if you can stay calm, they will stay calm.” It seems so simple, but to me it was just what I needed to hear.
Struggling with self-regulation is a common symptom of ADHD and co-regulation can help shift you from a stressful state to a calmer state and reset your nervous system. Alternately, it can put you in a more heightened state depending on the emotions of the person you are trying to regulate with. I thought of my past interactions with my ex-husband. I tried so hard to stay calm, but when he showed even the slightest sign of irritation or anger, it would set me off even more. I constantly wondered why I could never stay calm around him, and now it all makes sense.
Isn’t it funny how one small remark or comment can make everything seem to fall into place in your brain? I have always struggled with regulating my emotions and have experienced deep shame for my outbursts of anger and anxiety, but it wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I realized just how much other’s emotions and reactions were playing a part.
In the past, I focused on the negative aspects of co-regulation because it often led to blowups or meltdowns, but co-regulation can be very beneficial and foster a sense of calm and connection. I have no control over other’s reactions, but I can control my own. I have worked really hard to stay calm and collected and slow down when I feel my emotions starting to erupt. I am not perfect, never will be, but I am seeing improvement. Progress, not Perfection has become one of my new Mantras.
Here are some Evidence Based Strategies for Co-Regulation that I found at: The Power of Co-Regulation: A Vital Tool for ADHD Adults
- Intentional Physical Touch
- Holding Hands
- Resting your head on their shoulder
- Shared Rythmic Activities
- Taking a Walk
- Dancing
- Yoga
- Eye Contact and Facial Expressions
- smiling or nodding to show understanding and support
- Syncing breathing patterns
- Co-Listening
- Sharing your feelings with a friend or partner who listens without judgment.
- Practicing active listening with each other, focusing on empathy and understanding.
- Co-Engaging in Calming Activities
- cooking a meal
- listening to relaxing music
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